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Whatever comes to my mind, makes me smile, or breaks my heart I'm going to let be seen here. All of it.

Just let go already… 

“There’s trouble where I’m going but I’m gonna go there anyway. I hate Sunday mornings ’cause they always seem to start this way. I’m looking for a lighter I already bought the cigarettes. I guess I picked me up a habit…” -Miranda Lambert 

Miranda says it best, every time. Every album, and I’ll never say it enough. Has your heart been ripped out and danced on? Have you cried yourself to sleep? Found yourself laying on your bathroom floor? Me too. Keep reading. 

After my last blog me and him reconnected. Again

Everything was going fine. So, we’re going to rewind to then. 

We were back together happy as ever. I had my best friend back. The ONE person I could turn to with anything. The ONE person that I knew I could trust with anything. Even when my family didn’t get me, he did. 

Was our relationship picture perfect? No. There was drama with his past and drama with my present, but some how we loved through it for awhile.  The age difference was there – boy was it there. I believe that age is just a number. Some are just in a higher number in life than others are. It’s okay to laugh, I’m not trying to bore you to death before I get to my point. 

So, in this time that we’re back together and I think that everything is WONDERFUL. When I’m thinking I’ve got my best friend back and my future it going to be exactly how I have it pictured. I love his children. His daughter and I had a wonderful relationship and I literally haven’t been this happy in so long. 

Have you ever loved someone so much it HURT? Like seeing them was what you looked forward to everyday. I always looked forward to the nights of going to his home, cooking dinner, making his plate, and sitting down to eat with him. THE LITTLE THINGS.  

I could literally go on and on about everything I love, loved, and miss. Could go on forever. 

Let’s go to the last good weekend me and him had together. 

It was a Saturday night. He booked a hotel and took me to Memphis for dinner and a night out drinking. We sang along to EVERY song the guys at Silkys played. We drank, we laughed, and talked. I caught myself looking at him and my heart still fluttering like it did the night he picked me up for our first date SEVERAL months before. I knew I wanted to love this man for the rest of my life. Regardless of the trials and the troubles we had in the past I was looking forward into the future.  My lord I was so sure it hurt. I had up until this point never been loved this way before. 
 
This picture is the last picture we took together. The last picture I have saved on my phone of even myself since then. 

The week goes by I stayed with him that Wednesday he fell asleep without kissing me goodnight or telling me he loved me. I woke up Thursday morning no kiss… no I love you. I now wouldn’t see him until Sunday because he has his kids this weekend which is fine. We didn’t talk hardly ALL weekend. I knew something was bad wrong. 

Sure enough that Monday. On the phone. “Savannah, I can’t do this. You deserve better. You deserve a family.” 

I’m sure there was more but I don’t remember it. After those three statements I think I blacked out. 

This is a dream. It has to be. He doesn’t mean this. He will come back just like before and everything will be okay and ten years from now we will look back and laugh because you decided you truly can’t live without me in your life. We will laugh about this someday.  He’s my best friend, we won’t be strangers. Ever. NO WE CANT BE STRANGERS EVER. 
Strangers. That’s when I lost it. When that word came across my mind. 

-I’m sorry Grandma but you’re not going to be happy about this next part. 

So, that Monday I sat on my couch and drank myself drunk. All of the beer he left in my fridge in this lonely cold apartment, I drank. The next night I had some of the whiskey. Ther is no excuse as to why it just helped me sleep. If you’ve ever had your heart broken it numbs it for awhile. Atleast in my head it does. 

Here I am only a little over a MONTH down the road and I still think about him time to time. I wonder where he is, what he’s thinking about, and the part that kills me the most -Who is getting his attention now? 

The part that sucks the most is when you finally realize that it’s over, but your heart still goes back to that place now and then. Ugly crying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the day, your dad randomly calling and having to pull it together for a five minute conversation because you can’t tell him why you’re really crying, or when a song comes on the radio and you have to give up on country music and switch to rap 24/7 and I hardly understand half the crap they even talk about. –Small town kid problems. 

I love him & a part of me always will because I’ve never been treated so great by a man in my life. He loved me, I know that. I truly think he loved me so much that he let me go so that I could have a fuller life. I just wish he knew that I didn’t need him to assume things and make choices for me. I’ve had people doing that for me my whole life. 

I guess my point in this is don’t keep trying to make something work if the other person is so unsure. Don’t hurt yourself by holding onto something when it would hurt a lot less to just let it go in the first place. Trust me. I’m a damn wreck because part of me still holds on to the thought of what could have been. 

I blame myself daily. Wishing there was something I could have done or said to change his mind.

I read something somewhere that said, “You deserve someone who wants to stay. Not someone who wants to leave and come back over and over again.” 

So ladies, love yourself enough to watch him walk away if that’s what he chooses. I hope you handle it better than me. I hope you can still listen to the radio without crying, and I hope your dad doesn’t call when your laying on your bathroom floor crying. 

If he wants to leave let him go. Just take my advice and please don’t let him come back. In the end it’s easier that way. 

I love you all. 😘

P.S. I didn’t re-read this because I was afraid I wouldn’t post it if I read it again. So, if there is typo’s I’m sorry!🤞🏼

The love that teaches. 

In a persons life time I believe we love many people: our family, friends, and sometimes even strangers. Then there is love that grows into relationships. The person you wake up next to on a Sunday morning, or the person you drive an hour to only see for a few before you must go back home because time with that person is desired and needed in a sense. 
In my life I’ve had relationships with different kinds of people. I’ve loved each one of them in very different ways. It’s not a bad thing. In fact it’s a wonderful thing. You learn so much from loves that go wrong and even from loves that go right that just can’t go on anymore. 
In the past few weeks I’ve experienced yet another heart break. I’m going to go into detail only because I feel that it needs to be shared. Take it, leave it, or don’t. I need to share this for myself. 
Before summer began I met someone. A MAN. He was twenty years older than I am, but that’s not why I am calling him A MAN. Age is only a number to me and if you know me well you crack jokes on me for dating the old doctors or the “older men.” I’ve finally learned my lesson guys so the jokes can now come to be just a memory in time. 
When I met him it was just a friendship. I had to keep it that way because I KNEW people I loved would freak out. We would go to dinner and talk for hours. Conversation flowed so easily. He opened car doors, doors to places we would go, he pulled out chairs for me, he looked at me as if I was a woman. I had never experienced this before. First reason I use A MAN for his description. 
In our generation guys don’t do that anymore. Guys don’t just take you out on a first date with out first exchanging text messages about what’s going to happen after dinner. Guys will suggest “Netflix and chill.” You and I both know what that means. In my later teen years and early twenties I didn’t see an issue with just going to a guys house or him coming to mine to just hang out. Seemed like normality to me because it’s all I had ever known. I thought this guy likes me because he wants to hang out with me. WRONG SAVANNAH, wrong! 

Mine and his friendship turned into long talks about life, our heartbreaks, what makes us who we are. I cried, he cried, we both cried together. He prayed for me. He knew my soul and what I truly desired and what truly hurt my heart to the core. He made me laugh and we had so much fun together. Which soon lead to, “I love you.” Words I never have used lightly in my world because people always leave or I get afraid of love and run away myself. 
It was when walking on the streets of Nola and entering an art gallery that I realized I really did love the person he was and how he treated me as though I was truly a queen in his life. I would catch him looking at me in the art gallery just smiling. It wasn’t the first time he had done this it was all the time. He looked at me as if I were a woman, he seen me for who I am, and what I stood for. He never once stared at me as if I was a “dime piece” as guys in our generation say. I was beautiful to him, inside and out. I have never had that. 
I’ve never until that relationship with him had someone truly look at me the way he did or hold me so delicately in his arms and not ever once expect anything from me. I’ve never had love like that. 
I previously mentioned that these past few weeks I’ve felt heart break yet again, and I have, to the core. The body shaking hurt that leaves you wondering if what you’ve done is right. 
I ended things with him. He doesn’t see a future with more children than he has and that’s okay, but that’s not the life I want for myself. I’m meant to be a mom, and he agrees with that. 
Love teaches us things. People we love teach us even more. This man taught me to love delicately and deeply. He taught me to NEVER settle for less than what I now know I deserve. Regardless of what people said or though of him I know what is in his heart and soul and it’s absolutely nothing short of sincerity, love, and kindness. This man loves with his whole heart, his children are his entire world, and he’s the most hard working man I know. I’m SO lucky to have had the chance to love this man for the time that I got to share with him. 
Some love only comes around once in a life time, and this one was one of a kind. True fighting for one another and sticking together though a lot. But then when it comes to see that the path is coming to a split you look to one another and know that it’s come to an end but that it is for the best. Life goes on. 
Ladies, I hope that you get a love like this one. Guys in our generation, some not all, don’t love like this. We aren’t a weekend girlfriend, we’re not a late night phone call, and we’re not going to be used for Netflix and chill. Stand up for your heart, and realize love is not those things. Love is beautiful and you should always feel that way. 
Don’t settle for anything less than a love that loves you back and sometimes even more than you could ever think about loving. 
I pray that you find someone who can be the woman you need at this time in your life. 
I’ll be okay and life will go on for me too. A few more nights of listening to Miranda Lamberts album and a little more wine I’ll get up dust myself off and truly truly cherish the decision made. Right now it’s just a little hard, but I’m being optimistic. 
One day I’ll get to tell my little girl about this love and let her know her daddy loves me, but that this love taught me what I needed to look more for to find her daddy. 

I’ll be able to tell my son to love like his daddy loves me because I will have found someone who loves me beautifully and truly. 
If you’re feeling this way, get Miranda Lamberts new album, let a bubble bath run, turn that music up loud and just let it all out. Everyone deserves love. Miranda has found love even after Blake broke her heart and so can you. ❤️

Here’s to the girl…

You might be her, or you might know her. The girl who lost someone she deeply loved. Rather it is a lover, a friend, parent, grandparent. It could be anyone, it all hurts close to the same. If you know her, hug her and let her know that time heals all. 

I am this girl. On this day three years ago, August 27, 2013, I lost the one person who knew me better than I even knew myself. He was the person I could call, run to, text, and he was always all ears to whatever it was. Even though nine times out of ten it was lame, he still stopped to listen.

This is what will happen.

You’re going to cry.

  • I say this because you’re going too. It doesn’t matter if you are strong, tough, you’re not a crying person. You WILL cry and you’re going to cry for months. If you me you’ll cry at the sound of a song on the radio for at least two years. IT’S OKAY! Cry your little heart out! Cry until your face swells, you can’t see, and your breath is short because you have cried for so long. This is how you will be able to let out some of that pain and frustration. Now, don’t think its going to make it all be okay, it won’t. You’re still going to hurt, but this is just a way to let out how you’re feeling. AND if you’re like me you’re going to cry when no one is watching because you don’t want people to see that side of you, and that’s okay also!

You’re going to look for ways to get away. 

  • What’s the number one way for a human to get away momentarily from reality? For me it was drinking. I’m just going to be honest. I was nineteen when he passed, but I had easy access to everything I wanted to needed. I hung out with people A LOT older than I and I could get whatever I wanted whenever I needed too. I would drink, party, and never wake up in my apartment the next day. If you do this too, it’s okay. BUT I want too tell you from personal experience it doesn’t make it go away. You can dance on the tables at the frat house with that bottle of tequila in one hand and  a mountain dew in the other to chase it down, and go home with that “hot” frat guy your sorority sisters keep talking about, BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO HELP!!! Now, do I regret anything I did? NO. Want to know why? Well, I’m telling you anyways. I don’t regret it because now that I’m 21 and three years down the road from that day he passed on I have learned from what I did. One day you’re going to wake up and you won’t be able to find that brand new Steve Madden heel you just got and you’ll realize that these people don’t care if you’re okay, they don’t care if you make it home safe, and they don’t care what happens to you while your drunk out of your mind. It’s your choice to do better for YOU.

You NEED to travel.

  • “To awaken alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” – Freya Stark
  •          Traveling is a very fulfilling thing for the soul. The first place I went after he passed was Virginia Beach. Mainly because that’s the last place he was and I had to pick up his things from the hospital. BUT let me tell you, watching the sun set on the east coast while the waves rush up the tips of your toes all the way to your legs is the most soul refreshing thing in the world! At least for me anyways! Maybe for you as well! Get in your car and just drive, but first create a playlist of happy music. Take your best friend with you and jam to throwbacks that you both know and sing your little hearts out! Let loose and let your heart wonder. You’ve got to find yourself again.

You’re going to have to figure out who you are now.

  • After something so tragic a part of your heart will not ever be the same. I felt like a part of me literally died. I hurt physically inside my chest A LOT! Soul search and figure out what makes you happy now. Is it church? Is it time with friends? Is it a new town? Is it music? Whatever it is, EMBRACE it! It has taken me THREE YEARS to be okay. To physically and emotionally be okay. It might take you longer, and that is okay! Please know that. Everyone deals with pain differently. Time DOES in fact heal all.

DON’T LET PEOPLE HURT YOU. 

  • Here’s the tough stuff. People will say, “You need to get over it, it’s been long enough.” NOT TRUE. You take the time you need. People are going to try and get you to see a Psych because they think that’s what you need. If that what you want then go for it! For me I didn’t want that. I tried it, but I left yelling at the guy because he was making me feel like an idiot. And lets be honest, if you know me you know I don’t do well with people talking to me like I’m stupid, or even opening up to someone especially a stranger. What I’m getting at is, you do what feels right for you. If letting loose does it for you then do it! Just be careful and always make sure you have someone to drive you if you’re going to drink.

I know that if you’re a girl going through this right now then you feel like it’s never going to stop: the pain, the crying, the constant fear of moving on. One day, you’ll wake up and you’re going to want to try. That’s all you have to want is to try, try to be happy and try to be better. If this girl is you I want you to listen to a song. I found this song around my two year mark and I listen to it often.   “Better. By: Maggie Rose ” Go listen to it now if you can. 

If you need me, need to talk, or just want to talk to someone who has been there I’d be so glad to talk with you. You’re not alone, although, I know you feel that way. God loves you and promises that he will heal our hearts only if we let him.

“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your heart’s will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you. John 16:22”

 

21 or…?

Here I sit in this booth at Don Jose in Paragould. The whole bar is yelling, singing, and having what seems to be a good time. It’s “Thirsty Thursday” and also karaoke night. Tonight I’m just sitting back and watching people and wondering what the hell I am doing here.

Its sad that at 21 years old part of me desires to go out and meet people but then once I get out all I want to do is be home, in my apartment, watching Netflix with my dog. Does anyone out there get this way too? Or am I like.. Weird?

Ive been told that maybe I’m an old soul and I honestly believe that as the minutes, hours, and days go on. I’ve had this same beer sitting in front of me since 8:00 and it’s only half gone. There is food, shot glasses, and empty beer bottles all around me. The guys are starting to choose who they will leave with and some of these poor girls don’t even understand what they are getting themselves into.

Girls, women, and whoever else going home with the person who is giving them attention: that’s only going to last for tonight unless the un-thinkable happens and this person and you are meant to be together. Which doesn’t happen but maybe one out of one hundred. Just please remember that you deserve more than that.

I can say this because I used to be the girl who would go to the bar waiting to find someone who thought I was “pretty” or “smart” or “needed” in their life. It got me NO WHERE! But at the time I thought it was the cool thing. Talk to a guy for awhile, kick him to the curb, the  on to the next one. Easy right? Yeah… Until you realize you deserve more than that.

I’m really not entirely sure where I’m going with this post. I love being out with my friends and having a good time, but I guess sometimes as I sit here I just wonder what I’m doing. I don’t want to look up one day and be thirty like the guy at the booth next too me still drinking the same thing every Thursday and taking home different people every night.

I know, I’m 21 this is the time I’m supposed to “live” and “run free” but sometimes it seems like a waste or maybe tonight I’m emotional and feel like venting. Who knows?

I just hope when people look at me they don’t think I’m a “bitch” for just sitting here. I just feel a little bit out of place at the moment is all..

 

Too the ones..

And one more thing! Too the ones out there staying with someone because you think you have too because they have no one else. Trust me, you will just end up broken and miserable one day when you wake up one Sunday morning and you’re 40 laying in bed just to realize that you wasted your whole life loving someone who only kind of loved you back.

Everyone has people that care about them, you have to respect and love yourself enough to realize that you deserve better than to be the one getting cheated on, lied too, and played because you’re convenient and a hard worker bringing home all of the money for the home. Don’t sell yourself short because I swear too you that there is someone out there that won’t use and abuse your love.

Okay, that’s all. I’ll get off my soap box now, but you know who you are that I’m talking too.

You deserve so much more.

XOXO

Ride or die.

It’s been awhile guys, I’m sorry. I’ve been so BUSY lately that I just haven’t taken a few minutes too sit down and write, but I also haven’t really had anything I felt like I should write about either. I’ve been working like crazy, working out, and hanging out with my friends. All the while, trying to learn to budget – worst thing ever – and that requires me staying away from Target. I LOVE TARGET!!!

Anyways! lol! I went out for about a month or so on dates and things with a doctor here in town, a german doctor! Everyone had to same reaction when they seen us together, ” OMG! Marry him!” People, slow down! lol! He’s a great guy, very interesting, and very funny! In the beginning there were some language barriers and still are sometimes. We quickly went from every few days of going out too seeing each other almost every single day. Coffee in the mornings is one of my favorites! He’s away for a few weeks in Germany seeing his family and when he left we both I think were confused as too what is really going on with us, but that’s okay. There is nothing but time. He’s worth the wait!

In the past few weeks my ex has decided to text me now and again since he has seen that I’ve been working out I guess. Most girls would go running back with open arms, “Yes! I love you!” Me? Hell no boy, back up. You can’t have me back just because now I’m becoming a healthier version of myself. Sure you’re little comment of, “I only date girls who gym” jump started the fire in me, but now that I am gives you NO right to come back and try to pick your way back in.

Girls, never let a guy make you feel unworthy of them because you’ve gained a few pounds or your skin isn’t tan enough. You get healthy because YOU want too! I’m only doing this for myself, sure I’m a spiteful bitch and one of the reasons I’m doing it is so that I can get really fit and confident and when he wants me I’ll just let him wish he would have taken advantage of the chance when he had it!

So many times over and over again everyday girls let guys talk down to them and make them feel unworthy of who they really are physically or emotionally! DON’T BE THAT GIRL! You be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be!!!

I’ve been through hell and back more than once and trust me, you have everything you need to stand up, dust off, and keep on going! God has been by my side and been the one to help me push on! You can too! Don’t let that EX keep on being a douche. He’s an EX for a reason!!

The doctor has never once made me feel beneath him or not good enough. He likes me for ME and my company. That’s the difference in a boy and a man! I’m just saying! 🙂

So I’ll leave you with this… “Do your squats, eat your veggies, put on your lipstick, and DO NOT LET BOYS BE MEAN TO YOU!!!” 🙂

XOXO

Look for the bubbles.

Well guys.. It’s get a few days since I’ve wrote and I’m sorry about that. Things have been spinning out of control lately and I’m finally getting them to slow down a little bit. Last week I was sick, and when I get sick I don’t want to do anything or be around people and that doesn’t happen much.

Went back to work on Saturday to only get suspended from my job for 3 days plus I was scheduled off today, so I go back at it tomorrow morning. I wanted to bad to write on Saturday because I was angry, but I didn’t because I knew I would type some things I didn’t mean. Ive taken these days to think about myself, my actions, and my future. That thing that happened on Saturday that I thought was just the worst thing that could ever have happened was but a small grain of salt. I truly believe it was a blessing in disguise because in those few days I realized that my life is all that I make it too be. I have no one else effecting my life but myself. I started back in the gym, I applied for the OTA program in Memphis, and was able to spend some alone time with myself which I quickly realized that I need to be doing more often.

Life happens. I’m only 21 and have a whole life ahead of me. Sure, the past two years I have been pushed to my limit and I also have tested others. After Chris died I lost it. Literally gave up on myself and seriously wasn’t sure which way was up. You know how if you jump off of the cliffs at the lake not wearing a life jacket if you follow the bubbles then you will make it back to the top if you just open your eyes? In that first year having lost my best friend and my person that I ran to with EVERYTHING I didn’t even have it in me to open my eyes to find the bubbles.  I quit school, pushed away my friends, and my family. I can remember having dreams, once I would actually sleep, and it would be me talking to him. Every single dream that he came into he would say, “It’s going to be okay. You’re stronger than you think.” I would wake up and not be able to breathe. I always told him he thought I was stronger than I actually was, but he always pushed me forward. After he was gone I didn’t have that anymore. Not a lot of people ever knew how much we relied on each other even with the distance we shared.

Even after just a few months of him being gone I couldn’t even listen to the radio because a song would come on and I would begin bawling my eyes out and literally hitting my steering wheel as hard as I could, to the point that my hands would sometimes bruise. Every day I looked tired, miserable, and drained. I’ve never admitted this before, but I also drank a lot more than I should have and I partied WAY to much. To me that was my way to get away from everything for awhile, actually get some sleep, and then maybe when I slept I would see him. Once I got into drinking and partying he stopped coming into my dreams. I know its because he looked down on me and was angry. That’s not the girl he ever knew, ever. I wasn’t myself and I turned to worldly things hoping they would fix me and they didn’t.

One year went by and I was still pretty lost. I would have days where I still couldn’t believe it. “How in the world could this have happened to him?! He was just trying to get home. He drove that road thousands of times. WHY?!” I slowly began to realize that everything happens for a reason. Maybe God needed him for something better or maybe he saved him from something else. I’ll never know the reason, and I won’t question God anymore. I took each day as it came and in the process of healing I met some AMAZING people who have forever impacted my life rather they realize it or not. Friends that I used to have that I no longer talk to, they helped me, the friends I have now that keep me motivated and laughing. They are my saving grace. My co-workers at my job, they are more like a family.

Tomorrow will be two years. I dread it, yes. But I also have too look at it this way. I’ve made it two years. TWO YEARS! Two years ago I wouldn’t have thought I would make it six months but I did. Time heals all, and tomorrow I will remember the good times: his laugh, his smile, the way he always blew his cigarette smoke in my face because he knew I hated it, the way his face would light up when he talked about his cars, and mostly the way he loved. He was my hero, not only for our country, but to me personally. I don’t know if he ever realized it or not, but that kid saved me more times than one. He was my person and no one can ever take that. I just pray that wherever he is that now he looks down on me and he can smile because I’m slowly finding the new version of me. I’m working full time, my car is paid off, I’ve got amazing friends and family, I’m going back to school, and I’m working on bettering myself.

I’m finally seeing  the bubbles people. I’m still broken, but the days get better. If you or someone you know has lost someone they loved or that they were close too. Pray for them, call and talk to them, and just be there. That’s all they need. Someone who cares to be there and support them on their new journey without their loved one.

Time heals all. I never believed those words even though that’s what everyone told me, but they are true. Those words are golden.

Look for the bubbles when life is pushing you down. As you get older things happen to make you who you are. Don’t ever give up!

XOXO

Bare with me. 

As a twenty-one year old woman I haven’t seen or done much. I feel like I have been through a lot, I feel like I’ve seen some things, and I quickly realize I still haven’t. Sure I’ve accomplished some things people my age haven’t and for that I am proud. Do I feel lost now and then? Yeah, but who doesn’t? 

No matter how old you get you always feel like you need more or want more. Rather it be in school, in your family, or in your own life accomplishments or travel. I’ve been a few places and seen some crazy things. I’ve loved and I have also lost. I’ve had a death of someone effect me that still too this day does. 

When Chris died I changed a lot. I can’t explain the change in words I just know that when I woke up that morning and my mother told me what happened I felt like I was hit by a train. For months after that I was so lost and even close to a year. I didn’t tell anyone and I kept trying to live a close to normal life. My family could see the change, but my friends, I pushed them all away. I was doing things that I, in a normal state of mind, wouldn’t do. I didn’t want them to see me the way that I was. Because honestly I had no idea who I was anymore and I knew they would never understand. I’m literally six days away from it being two years since he passed away and the past few weeks haven’t been the best for me in my personal life and honestly it could just be that I know this day is drawing near and it brings back so much for me that I don’t want it too. 

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this or why I’m even writing, but it’s late and I have jumbled thoughts in my head I need to get out. Bare with me. 

I’m not sure how other girls my age feel about death, life, or love. But death scares the hell out of me. It hurts to think about losing people and never seeing them again. Life makes me nervous because we only get so many years to do what we are meant to do, and there is no telling how many years it will take us to figure out what that thing even is. Love just confuses me. Honestly. I’ve not loved many people besides my friends and family. Honestly, and this is me being HONEST. I’ve truly loved two people. And when I say love I mean that I would do ANYTHING for them. People change and we grow and sometimes those people aren’t meant for us. Some people you will always love and you hope that one day you’ll be good enough or they will be ready to give things a try. At what point do I give up? I’m not a quitter. 

I feel like I’m stuck right now between wanting to continue to be the independent woman I am and pushing on with my life not knowing where I’ll be in 5 years and wanting to settle down and just be comfortable. But if you know me I’ve always wanted to be the one to go go go! But I’ve always be afraid to fly. Honestly. I’m scared. 

What am I scared of? Failing. That’s my biggest fear. Failing at life or my dreams. Fearing that because of one wrong decision I’ve somehow altered how my life will turn out. Someone out there is reading this thinking I’m insane for thinking that it works that way, but to me in some cases it does work that way.

But everyday when it all gets to be a little to much I just have to remind myself, “Everything happens for a reason.” 

When my time on earth is done, it’s done. 

When I’m meant to find out what I’m to do with my life, I’ll do it. 

When I’m meant to fall in love with one man, I’ll fall. 

Until then like someone special to me keeps saying, I’m going to find out who I truly am. And to do that I whole heartedly believe I have to seek God. Which is something I haven’t been doing. I’ve got to seek him to see the will he has for my life. I’ve got to put him back on top so that he can close doors that need closed and open the doors that need to be opened. 

So readers, this post came from no where and it has no story line and it had no plan. I’m literally laying alone in my bed at 2:23 in the morning just letting words come from my fingertips as they come to me. As you can see, I’ve had a few things on my mind. I’m confused as to where to go from here. 

I’ve got big dreams, I just have to lay out the path to get to them. 

Don’t stop dreaming & never, ever give up. No matter how tough it gets, or how hard life knocks you down, you get back up!! Get up, dust off, and hit it head on again until you get what you want. It may not happen in a week, a month, or even a year but it will happen because you want it too. No one can go out and do it for you!!! 

Thanks for putting up with this randomness. 

XOXO 

Why men love bitches. Read it.

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So one night while walking around Barnes and Noble, like I do more often than most normal people, I found this book. Yeah, that one up there that I had Taylor take my picture with. No, I didn’t buy it so I can’t tell you exactly what it says inside, but what I can do is give you my opinion based on those few words, Why men love bitches.

First, your opinion on the term “bitches” takes a big part in this answer. In my opinion it can mean a few different things.

  1. Maybe other women call her a bitch because she respects herself, she doesn’t let anyone walk all over her.
  2. Unpredictable. I think this can be a good asset. If you want to keep him as a life partner you need to keep him INTERESTED. Some girls are just stupid and have NOTHING to offer in a relationship other than sex. That’s hot for awhile, but after that what do you have?
  3. Bitches aren’t easy. An easy woman isn’t going to scratch a man’s competitive itch. When a woman stops expressing her personal opinion the guy gets bored.

I get called a bitch all the time and I get told I have a “resting bitch face.” That doesn’t bother me AT ALL like it used too. It’s empowering honestly because now I am a bitch. I stand up for myself, I’m not boring, and I refuse to let someone else effect my own opinion on things. So I’m single and plan to stay this way for awhile.

So girls, if you get called a bitch, remember guys love bitches! To the girls who think you’re not a bitch that’s not good. Stand up for yourself, be unpredictable, and please DO NOT BE EASY.

XOXO

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