“There’s trouble where I’m going but I’m gonna go there anyway. I hate Sunday mornings ’cause they always seem to start this way. I’m looking for a lighter I already bought the cigarettes. I guess I picked me up a habit…” -Miranda Lambert
Miranda says it best, every time. Every album, and I’ll never say it enough. Has your heart been ripped out and danced on? Have you cried yourself to sleep? Found yourself laying on your bathroom floor? Me too. Keep reading.
After my last blog me and him reconnected. Again.
Everything was going fine. So, we’re going to rewind to then.
We were back together happy as ever. I had my best friend back. The ONE person I could turn to with anything. The ONE person that I knew I could trust with anything. Even when my family didn’t get me, he did.
Was our relationship picture perfect? No. There was drama with his past and drama with my present, but some how we loved through it for awhile. The age difference was there – boy was it there. I believe that age is just a number. Some are just in a higher number in life than others are. It’s okay to laugh, I’m not trying to bore you to death before I get to my point.
So, in this time that we’re back together and I think that everything is WONDERFUL. When I’m thinking I’ve got my best friend back and my future it going to be exactly how I have it pictured. I love his children. His daughter and I had a wonderful relationship and I literally haven’t been this happy in so long.
Have you ever loved someone so much it HURT? Like seeing them was what you looked forward to everyday. I always looked forward to the nights of going to his home, cooking dinner, making his plate, and sitting down to eat with him. THE LITTLE THINGS.
I could literally go on and on about everything I love, loved, and miss. Could go on forever.
Let’s go to the last good weekend me and him had together.
It was a Saturday night. He booked a hotel and took me to Memphis for dinner and a night out drinking. We sang along to EVERY song the guys at Silkys played. We drank, we laughed, and talked. I caught myself looking at him and my heart still fluttering like it did the night he picked me up for our first date SEVERAL months before. I knew I wanted to love this man for the rest of my life. Regardless of the trials and the troubles we had in the past I was looking forward into the future. My lord I was so sure it hurt. I had up until this point never been loved this way before.
This picture is the last picture we took together. The last picture I have saved on my phone of even myself since then.
The week goes by I stayed with him that Wednesday he fell asleep without kissing me goodnight or telling me he loved me. I woke up Thursday morning no kiss… no I love you. I now wouldn’t see him until Sunday because he has his kids this weekend which is fine. We didn’t talk hardly ALL weekend. I knew something was bad wrong.
Sure enough that Monday. On the phone. “Savannah, I can’t do this. You deserve better. You deserve a family.”
I’m sure there was more but I don’t remember it. After those three statements I think I blacked out.
This is a dream. It has to be. He doesn’t mean this. He will come back just like before and everything will be okay and ten years from now we will look back and laugh because you decided you truly can’t live without me in your life. We will laugh about this someday. He’s my best friend, we won’t be strangers. Ever. NO WE CANT BE STRANGERS EVER.
Strangers. That’s when I lost it. When that word came across my mind.
-I’m sorry Grandma but you’re not going to be happy about this next part.
So, that Monday I sat on my couch and drank myself drunk. All of the beer he left in my fridge in this lonely cold apartment, I drank. The next night I had some of the whiskey. Ther is no excuse as to why it just helped me sleep. If you’ve ever had your heart broken it numbs it for awhile. Atleast in my head it does.
Here I am only a little over a MONTH down the road and I still think about him time to time. I wonder where he is, what he’s thinking about, and the part that kills me the most -Who is getting his attention now?
The part that sucks the most is when you finally realize that it’s over, but your heart still goes back to that place now and then. Ugly crying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the day, your dad randomly calling and having to pull it together for a five minute conversation because you can’t tell him why you’re really crying, or when a song comes on the radio and you have to give up on country music and switch to rap 24/7 and I hardly understand half the crap they even talk about. –Small town kid problems.
I love him & a part of me always will because I’ve never been treated so great by a man in my life. He loved me, I know that. I truly think he loved me so much that he let me go so that I could have a fuller life. I just wish he knew that I didn’t need him to assume things and make choices for me. I’ve had people doing that for me my whole life.
I guess my point in this is don’t keep trying to make something work if the other person is so unsure. Don’t hurt yourself by holding onto something when it would hurt a lot less to just let it go in the first place. Trust me. I’m a damn wreck because part of me still holds on to the thought of what could have been.
I blame myself daily. Wishing there was something I could have done or said to change his mind.
I read something somewhere that said, “You deserve someone who wants to stay. Not someone who wants to leave and come back over and over again.”
So ladies, love yourself enough to watch him walk away if that’s what he chooses. I hope you handle it better than me. I hope you can still listen to the radio without crying, and I hope your dad doesn’t call when your laying on your bathroom floor crying.
If he wants to leave let him go. Just take my advice and please don’t let him come back. In the end it’s easier that way.
I love you all. 😘
P.S. I didn’t re-read this because I was afraid I wouldn’t post it if I read it again. So, if there is typo’s I’m sorry!🤞🏼